Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!