Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
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What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
#Caturday
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form