Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You Might Also Like
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.