Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen


I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”


Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.


If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.


I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.


How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.


Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.


me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave