God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
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my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast
“they’re eating dog food”
COP: step outta the car
COP: got any drugs on u
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Dollar Tree clerk asked me to fill out a survey to maybe win a $500 gift card and I was like I don’t need to own a whole dollar store thanks
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*
M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk