Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
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DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
middle school in the ’90s
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Wow 🤣
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.