Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.