Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.