Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop