Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
What’s the point buying it then?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.