Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂