Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.