Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

If you’re testing me, we failed.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

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Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.