Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?