Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

The days of good grammer has went

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

We decided to have money instead of children.

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.