telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
You Might Also Like
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.