Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

wait.

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.