Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.