Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

Solving a traffic jam

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1566916673248034816/pu/vid/460x816/RUXFIZfnZjAx7_ti.mp4?tag=12

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

Cop lights are so pretty at night

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.