Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
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The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain