Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?