bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My favorite farside!!
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?