Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

getting groceries

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.