Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Cold.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir