Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it