Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
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yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.