Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
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[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood