Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
🤣
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.