Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

yea so i messed up lol

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

The first one, obviously

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

Gemma Correll

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?