Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
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murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I am yelling
checking out some reviews of my local library
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad