Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Damn what did I do next
My background check bounced.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”