Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy