*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”![]()
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.