Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
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Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
For the ones in the back.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.