Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers