Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
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Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
🛁
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”