Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
There’s only one good girl here!
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.