Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The symmetry is uncanny.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.