Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.