Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
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WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it