Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
You Might Also Like
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
incredible text to wake up to
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames