*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.