*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.