*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.