[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.