[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter