*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
anyone else like Italian cereal
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.