*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Every work meeting this week
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“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
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Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.