Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
temp agency: can you do retail
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“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.
It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
Fact: the only way to stop eating chips and salsa is to be shot by a sniper