@FredTaming

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

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@Izianikapani

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

@AaronFullerton

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

@Playing_Dad

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

@fightforfood

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

@brian_bilston

For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.

It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.

@JohnLyonTweets

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

@sofarrsogud

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

@shariv67

I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.