temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
How does one answer this?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????