temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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this is the best interaction on twitter
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
😅🤣😂
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving