temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
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Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I have obtained a hat
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
meow
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.