temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
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“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Cha-ching is my safe word
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.