Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
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Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Ovenable?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!