Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

I cannot call her anything else now

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?