Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
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I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
This raises questions
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in