Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

journal

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.