Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”