Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
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[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”