Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
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Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant