Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
You Might Also Like
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants