Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
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Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary