Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.