Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
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Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.