Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
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doing some research
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter