Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
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I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself