Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

The only equipped I am is ill.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

BRO LMFAO

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.