Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Dietest Coke
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Is this the real life?
Is this just
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?