Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Everyone’s family
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!