Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.