Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.