Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation