Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

My dog after a walk in the woods.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain