Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

How do I get a job writing these texts

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?