Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving