Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

This why you should mind your business

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die