Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.